Drunk, faded, browned out, looking all shady
Two months since I fucked a lady, young man dick going crazy
Standard Saturday, I'm about to get a cab and masturbate
Then I see a hot girl, look back at Dave
Lemme get your cat girl, no Hathaway
That's what I thought not what I said to her
Instead I walk up to her, like "I know you heard of the kid
You heard what I did, you heard of my shit, the murderous spit."
She's like, "Naw, you're being weird, what are you talking about?"
I'm like, "Aw..."
Pulling out my phone, like a boss, YouTube 'bout to get her off
But as I type the y-o-u, some porno pop up
I'm like, "Hold up, how did, that's not even me
Like, I don't jerk off mobily..."
Then her friends coming up
And wanna know if everything is okay
I'm like, "Naw, this a rape, you can't tell?
Gimme a break, please. Get the heck away."
I turned to her, "Let me buy you a drink," she like, "Fine."
Told the man, "Two Patron," she like, "Lime."
Said he tried twice, the card got declined
I'm like, "All ri-, is this a, could it be a machine issue?
He was like, "Naw,"
I was like, "Obviously there's something wrong
I got dough, like I'm not broke...
I got donuts with the same card like about an hour ago."
He like, "Dude, I don't know."
Now I'm looking at the girl she just wanna go
And I ain't talking 'bout with me, bro, I mean alone
I got one more chance to prove myself, so I'm like
"Look, I'm athletic, girl, I've gotten several Rec League MVP's
At my crib I've got some pizza, plus a little bit of weed
In my room I've got a TV, plus I recently did sheets
Girl, I even have a fridge that has the water on the door
Like with the crushed ice"
You know I don't give a damn, what you playing right now
This is me coming at you as a man right now
Lemme freak, lemme freak, god dammit, lemme freak
Just lemme freak, please god, just lemme freak
The girl from the first verse, somehow let me fuck
Fast forward, seven months, we in love
Some real serious relationship type shit
Despite this, I ain't fucked for days
Tried last night, but was pushed away
But I've been acting well behaved today, I smell okay
Adele Pandora's playing, now she laying
On the floor and I'm praying this bitch is horny
I go and give her a smooch
She kissing Dicky back, so I play with her boobs
Bad move, she don't like that
Bad mood, her boss being mean to her
Via email, she wanna write back
I'm like, "Right now?"
She like, "Yeah, what do I say, can you just help me?"
"Oh, okay, what's the context?"
Then she like, "Well, he talks to Jane before coming to me."
"Who's Jane again?" I said, she like, "Wow, you should know that..."
"Okay, I guess I forgot," she like, "Dude, that's my other boss."
"Okay, true, so shouldn't your first boss
Go to the other boss, before you? Right?"
"But Jane isn't hands on!" she yelled
"Okay, well I just don't understand the dynamic then
I don't work with these people." She started crying
"Wait stop, what the fuck is this?"
"Naw, you don't ever take my side."
About an hour later til' I'm on her good side
We in bed, hands on her good thighs
I try to kiss, she like, "Good night" but I'm like
"Look, I just turned off The Departed for a movie 'bout a bee
I've been cutting back on farting, tweeting, arguing and weed
Yesterday I wore a cardigan at dinner with your sweet
And supportive aunt during the fourth quarter, of the Eagles
Now reward it.."
Fast forward some more, June sixteenth, twenty seventy four
Old LD looking old as fuck, still with the same ho, holding up
But my life sucks, legs hurt, friends dead, real terse
My dick looking like it's tinfoil
Her tits looking like they hard boiled eggs
On top of that, she insane
Like, I don't even think she knows who I am
Our kids moved away, we've been doing the same shit for days
Maybe months, who knows, probably going to die soon
Pretty scared, I ain't even gonna lie to you
Think about it all day, on my last legs
But I'm going out with a bang
I got pills they invented back in fifty seven
I took five, that's a bit excessive
I look high, take a look at my thighs
And good god that's a little erection, it'll work though
Now I've gotta find the ho, I'm pretty much blind at this point
I don't know if I mentioned that yet, but I am
Made my way into the bedroom and there she is, I'm like
"Look, I don't know if you're aware that
You've been throwing out my shoes
What I do know is, I'm sick of doing nothing here with you
All my blood is in my dick, I'm probably dying pretty soon
Are you even comprehending what I'm saying
Please acknowledge that you hear me..."