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"History's Greatest Assholes" lyrics by MC LARS HORRIS
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"History's Greatest Assholes"


[Intro:]
I got a new drum set, I'm testing it out
Look what I can do mom - yo!
So people always remember the good guys, but
What about the villains?
I-I-I've compiled a list of my favorite ones (turn me up)
In rap form, for you, here we go
The greatest assholes, in more or less chronological order

Here's a list of famous assholes, let's start with this dude
Named Cain - he killed his brother, and that was just rude (family values)
Brutus & Cassius were jerks, just a little
Nero was no hero; Rome burned he played the fiddle
Caligula could give you a night to remember
Genghis Khan might tie you up, might lacerate your member
And when it came to ballers there was Vlad the Impaler
He'd run a stake up through you out your mouth to make you holla
It's no mystery, history remembers
Pirates pillaging, and villagers dismembered
Vikings on a quest in their dragon-shaped boats
Runnin up on castles, jumpin over moats
Christopher Columbus rolled up with a fungus
Pizarro and Cortes made the natives all say "Um this
One-sided exchange, is not that nice" (run for your life)
Like Henry the 8th, beheading wife after wife

[Chorus:]
History's greatest, assholes [x3]
I'm calling you out, I'm calling you out
History's greatest, assholes [x3]
I'm smoking you out, I'm smoking you out

Benedict Arnold, and Oliver Cromwell (traitors)
Napoleon Bonaparte, all wish it had gone well
With blown apart plans, like Andrew Jackson
A Trail of Tears, dividing families like fractions
Jack the Ripper had bad morals like Lenin
Stalin killed 20 million, and sent them all to heaven
Or hell I don't know, but one thing is for certain
So many Russian people murdered, behind an iron curtain
Gavrio Princip shot Franz Ferdinand
Which lead to World War I and a famous Scottish Band
Which lead to World War II and freakin bodies everywhere
At the Holocaust Museum there's a wall of shoes and hair
On a rainy day in Amsterdam, tell me way
I saw the Anne Frank house and it made me cry (she couldn't leave)
So whistle while you work, Hitler was a jerk (no workers' comp)
Mussolini was a weenie, asshole's got some nerve!

{Okay Lars the turn goes to you}
I'll take compassionate athletes for 500 Alex!
{This football player is also known as a strong advocate of animal rights}
Who is Michael Vick?
{I'm sorry Lars, but that is incorrect}
Damn!

[Chorus]

Mengele was sick, with that scientific research
Lamps of human skin blood up on his t-shirt
Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh, Idi Amin
All up in the jungle actin real mean
Mark David Chapman shot a Beatle on the street
James Earl Ray killed Martin Luther King
Manson crashed parties and painted the town
The Zodiac killer has yet to be found
It's an inside job trading junk bonds and derivatives
Systematic risk, Wall Street greed is quite indicative
20 billion in the bank but y'all kept on spending
Killing our economy with subprime lending
Vince Offer slapchopped a hooker in the face
John Mayer said very awkward things about his race
Charlie Sheen - wait hold up
Everyone's rapping about Charlie Sheen right now
And it's played out and boring and whack
So I'm going to skip this part (good call)
Biff Tannen well actually, his whole family
I'm speaking candidly like, Colmes and Hannity
It's insanity, they rapin everybody
We tune in when it's shockin and we tune in when it's bloody
Mel Gibson hittin women thinkin he can get away like OJ
Oh wait, what would Dr. Laura say?
Okay no way, yo I almost forgot
George W. Bush, you got the number one spot!
[Slot machine jackpot sounds]

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